The Price of Happiness
Lately I have been having some horrible nightmares. Having nightmares is nothing new to me as I indeed have some fucked up dreams. But it occurring 6 nights a week, it can get quite disturbing. So I set my mind out to figure out what is causing all these night terrors.
But before that, we need to review what the dreams actually meant, what are the external stimuluses that becomes the manifestation of these dreams? So to do that, I need to get back to what I was dreaming...
Vaguely recalling some, vividly recorded others, here are a list of those dreams which i remembered. Ie: made the deepest impressions.
Dream 1: Steven having a near death experience.
The dream started out in a dark city, where it was nigh time. Tall gothic buildings set the skyline. Long wet/damp dirty alleys become the ground on which i was standing in.
Then all of a sudden, Steven appeared. Not healthily, but on the floor. The atmosphere became immediately tense, not that it wasn’t tense before, but seeing him hapless on the floor, with a noticeable amount of pain aggravated the atmosphere.
He was on the floor, with alot of pain to the point he was unable to move, almost like a corpse. In my mind, he was enduing so much suffering he was ready to roll over and die.
I ran to him, and thought he must still be alive, so I took his pulse – extremely weak and irregular. He was indeed still alive, i took a flashlight and shone it into his eyes. His pupils contracted, still has brain function. But the latter part made me irk-
As i pulled his eye lids apart, there were flies inside. And the supposedly “white” part of his eyes were stained yellow, almost like a rotting fish.
I don’t know why, but i knew it was poisoning, and that the venom was eating his stomach out from the inside. I took a scalpel, and made an incision in the middle of his chest, the part where the rib bones connect, just above the belly, i stuck my hand inside his guts, and felt the elongated organ. It was his stomach.
It felt really stiff, as if it was filled to the brink with small pebbles. Like a wet sandbag. Using that same scalpel, i cut the tubes connected to it, the top part where it connects with the oesophagus and the bottom pipe that connects with the small intestines.
I pulled it up, and cut it open. Inside it was filled with green, moss-like stuff. It was dry, and had the texture of dried seaweed, after probing it forawhile, it threw it away and concentrated on Steven. He was still alive, somewhat relieved that what has been ailing him had been removed, but he was in even greater pain than before.
He was dying.
The ambulance came soon after, and brought him to the hospital.
Next scene was i was in the ward with him. He was lying on the bed, wearing a hospital gown. Here was a scar on the spot where i had made that incision.
He got up, recognized me, but couldn’t pin my name. Then he kept walking around the room quietly, confused. I tried to set him down to sleep, but he couldn’t, and wouldn’t listen to me, almost as if i was invisible.
The dream abruptly ended.
Interpretation:
usually when someone dreams about someone dying, it signifies “rebirth”, meaning their stepping into a new phase of their lives. But i have no idea what “near death” translates into. The fact that i was the impromptu surgeon that had “saved” him, the amnesia on his part totally eludes me. This is the first time ive dreamt of a friend, who didn’t recognize me.
The surgery was significant also, what is ailing Steven to the point where he almost died? What has been causing him so much suffering and pain? And how did i know it was his guts that were poisoned? And why did i think it was poison in the first place?
Poison usually signifies a slow and painful death, its not sudden, and has the “inevitability” element. Even after i have removed the source of the poisoning, he was still in alot of confusion.
Maybe: Steven is going through some odd times in his life, and that it required a friend (not implying that its me) to “save” him. But one draw back is that, whoever that does the saving, will be alienated.
Kinda like that song by Third Eye Blind. “Wish you would step back from the ledge my friend, you could, cut ties with all the lies that youve been living in, and if you do not want to see me again, i would understand.”
Hope all is good Steven.
Dream 2: Falling from the plane
This one was an odd one as well. Even though dreams of falling and flying are the most common dreams ive have, this one actually had a goal for me, not just flying around for fun.
I was on a plane, it felt like a military plane with no seats like a commercial plane would have. The side doors were open, and i could see the clouds that are beneath me. It spanned far and wide, but were not thick.
My “master” was next to me, how i knew he was my master i had no idea.
He tossed something that looked like a pen out the door, and it fell into the clouds, and told me to “get it”.
I asked “you will come and get me right?”
Master was silent. But i jumped anyway. After falling from the plane i immediately looked back at the plane, and saw the clouds pull away from me at biblical speeds as i fell from the sky. I turned back and saw the falling object. I dived towards it, and grabbed it with my both hands. Then realized i was going to die, unless i could fly.
Holding onto that object, i closed my eyes and concentrated really hard (this is an innate event in all my flying dreams, im always holding to some form of artefact and if i focused my energies to it, i could fly, these objects could vary, just to name a few, a zippo lighter, a round sphere the size of a tennis ball etc).
So, as i fell, i concentrated really hard. And at the back of my head i was hoping my master would swoop down, and save me from my splattering death.
The dream ended, right before i was a spec of red paint on the fields of green grass which was the floor below.
Interpretation:
Well, to be honest, i have NO IDEA what this dream is about lol.
Dream 3:
This one is disturbing. And it only happened last night. I dreamt that a relative or friend of mine, had a wife. And this wife is what stands between my partner and I. Something like, she (yes it was a girl) was the one who holds the final word if my partner and i were to be together.
I respected this girl, but i hated her at the same time because of what she stands for. And the latter affected me more than anything else.
Having this mood set, i was driving a car, a red car. Don’t know what it was but it felt like it was an Enzo Ferrari lol. I had set a small bomb on the rear left wheel .
(my rear left wheel is the Achilles heel of all the cars im driving, the 2 times my car oversteered and lost control it was when i was turning hard on the right.
The only time my car had a flat tyre was the rear left wheel, and twice back last holiday, did the kembara and the estima suffered explosive flats, both on the rear left wheel, the significance of this wheel still perplexes me)
So, she was standing on one corner, in a parking lot, i saw her from about 50 metres away, and drove towards her at excessive speeds. Then as i was nearing her, i set the bomb off while i was braking hard on the brake pedals. Because the bomb went off, it pushed the car upwards, and all the tyres lost grip. The whole car jumped, bounced and skidded, wedging her on the waist.
Her body, separated from waist down and up, died instantly.
I dreamt that i committed a premeditated murder. Killing people in my dreams are common, but even so it takes ALOT of energy to kill someone, i remembered after the height of the Kok Yew incident, i dreamt that i had beaten him to death with my bare fists, but it took ALOT of pounding before he stopped breathing. This dream however, killing was so, so easy.
Interpretation:
Killing people, like i said is common in my dreams. But different from the others, this person which i killed was a woman, which is a first. And that it was so easy to execute was another novelty.
But the most perplexing thing about this dream was, usually i kill on the basis of hate. The people which i have “killed” in my dreams were all people that i hated in life. This woman, which i didn’t hate, stood between the person that i love.
I guess making a killing for love is easier than killing for hate?
On a whole, thinking at why i have all these dreams, i looked at my well being on the CONSCIOUS level. As some of you already know, lately i have been happy. Nothing much to complain or emo about. Lifes been good, unlike 2006-8 where its a constant up and down, lotsa mood swings and annoying splinters in my head that make me cringe everytime i think of them at a conscious level.
Being so accustomed to emotional violence and turmoil, i think my brain is reacting negatively to the peacefulness that is my life now. It feels that im currently “unhealthy” from the lack of violence in my conscious hours since its accustomed to bloodshed. So, to make up for all this “peace and serenity”, it manifests itself, it asserts its presence which it deems necessary in my subconscious mind – dreams.
I told this to Beets about my dreams, and she said “oh let me piss you off and create some emo in you, so you’d stop getting nightmares!”
I replied “Hah! Id rather get nightmares than have you being angry or emoing at me”.
She said “then, can you find someone else to piss you off? So that youd get some anger in your conscious mind?”
=.=||, shes odd i tell you lol.
She continued “maybe its because i always wish you ‘good night and sweet dreams’, what if i do the opposite?”
Me: “opposite? Like what? Not wishing me at all?”
Beets: “no, like ‘happy nightmares’ and good night’ or something like that”
Me: =.=|||
Dear Beets, appreciate your kind thoughts, but, no thanks lol.
But before that, we need to review what the dreams actually meant, what are the external stimuluses that becomes the manifestation of these dreams? So to do that, I need to get back to what I was dreaming...
Vaguely recalling some, vividly recorded others, here are a list of those dreams which i remembered. Ie: made the deepest impressions.
Dream 1: Steven having a near death experience.
The dream started out in a dark city, where it was nigh time. Tall gothic buildings set the skyline. Long wet/damp dirty alleys become the ground on which i was standing in.
Then all of a sudden, Steven appeared. Not healthily, but on the floor. The atmosphere became immediately tense, not that it wasn’t tense before, but seeing him hapless on the floor, with a noticeable amount of pain aggravated the atmosphere.
He was on the floor, with alot of pain to the point he was unable to move, almost like a corpse. In my mind, he was enduing so much suffering he was ready to roll over and die.
I ran to him, and thought he must still be alive, so I took his pulse – extremely weak and irregular. He was indeed still alive, i took a flashlight and shone it into his eyes. His pupils contracted, still has brain function. But the latter part made me irk-
As i pulled his eye lids apart, there were flies inside. And the supposedly “white” part of his eyes were stained yellow, almost like a rotting fish.
I don’t know why, but i knew it was poisoning, and that the venom was eating his stomach out from the inside. I took a scalpel, and made an incision in the middle of his chest, the part where the rib bones connect, just above the belly, i stuck my hand inside his guts, and felt the elongated organ. It was his stomach.
It felt really stiff, as if it was filled to the brink with small pebbles. Like a wet sandbag. Using that same scalpel, i cut the tubes connected to it, the top part where it connects with the oesophagus and the bottom pipe that connects with the small intestines.
I pulled it up, and cut it open. Inside it was filled with green, moss-like stuff. It was dry, and had the texture of dried seaweed, after probing it forawhile, it threw it away and concentrated on Steven. He was still alive, somewhat relieved that what has been ailing him had been removed, but he was in even greater pain than before.
He was dying.
The ambulance came soon after, and brought him to the hospital.
Next scene was i was in the ward with him. He was lying on the bed, wearing a hospital gown. Here was a scar on the spot where i had made that incision.
He got up, recognized me, but couldn’t pin my name. Then he kept walking around the room quietly, confused. I tried to set him down to sleep, but he couldn’t, and wouldn’t listen to me, almost as if i was invisible.
The dream abruptly ended.
Interpretation:
usually when someone dreams about someone dying, it signifies “rebirth”, meaning their stepping into a new phase of their lives. But i have no idea what “near death” translates into. The fact that i was the impromptu surgeon that had “saved” him, the amnesia on his part totally eludes me. This is the first time ive dreamt of a friend, who didn’t recognize me.
The surgery was significant also, what is ailing Steven to the point where he almost died? What has been causing him so much suffering and pain? And how did i know it was his guts that were poisoned? And why did i think it was poison in the first place?
Poison usually signifies a slow and painful death, its not sudden, and has the “inevitability” element. Even after i have removed the source of the poisoning, he was still in alot of confusion.
Maybe: Steven is going through some odd times in his life, and that it required a friend (not implying that its me) to “save” him. But one draw back is that, whoever that does the saving, will be alienated.
Kinda like that song by Third Eye Blind. “Wish you would step back from the ledge my friend, you could, cut ties with all the lies that youve been living in, and if you do not want to see me again, i would understand.”
Hope all is good Steven.
Dream 2: Falling from the plane
This one was an odd one as well. Even though dreams of falling and flying are the most common dreams ive have, this one actually had a goal for me, not just flying around for fun.
I was on a plane, it felt like a military plane with no seats like a commercial plane would have. The side doors were open, and i could see the clouds that are beneath me. It spanned far and wide, but were not thick.
My “master” was next to me, how i knew he was my master i had no idea.
He tossed something that looked like a pen out the door, and it fell into the clouds, and told me to “get it”.
I asked “you will come and get me right?”
Master was silent. But i jumped anyway. After falling from the plane i immediately looked back at the plane, and saw the clouds pull away from me at biblical speeds as i fell from the sky. I turned back and saw the falling object. I dived towards it, and grabbed it with my both hands. Then realized i was going to die, unless i could fly.
Holding onto that object, i closed my eyes and concentrated really hard (this is an innate event in all my flying dreams, im always holding to some form of artefact and if i focused my energies to it, i could fly, these objects could vary, just to name a few, a zippo lighter, a round sphere the size of a tennis ball etc).
So, as i fell, i concentrated really hard. And at the back of my head i was hoping my master would swoop down, and save me from my splattering death.
The dream ended, right before i was a spec of red paint on the fields of green grass which was the floor below.
Interpretation:
Well, to be honest, i have NO IDEA what this dream is about lol.
Dream 3:
This one is disturbing. And it only happened last night. I dreamt that a relative or friend of mine, had a wife. And this wife is what stands between my partner and I. Something like, she (yes it was a girl) was the one who holds the final word if my partner and i were to be together.
I respected this girl, but i hated her at the same time because of what she stands for. And the latter affected me more than anything else.
Having this mood set, i was driving a car, a red car. Don’t know what it was but it felt like it was an Enzo Ferrari lol. I had set a small bomb on the rear left wheel .
(my rear left wheel is the Achilles heel of all the cars im driving, the 2 times my car oversteered and lost control it was when i was turning hard on the right.
The only time my car had a flat tyre was the rear left wheel, and twice back last holiday, did the kembara and the estima suffered explosive flats, both on the rear left wheel, the significance of this wheel still perplexes me)
So, she was standing on one corner, in a parking lot, i saw her from about 50 metres away, and drove towards her at excessive speeds. Then as i was nearing her, i set the bomb off while i was braking hard on the brake pedals. Because the bomb went off, it pushed the car upwards, and all the tyres lost grip. The whole car jumped, bounced and skidded, wedging her on the waist.
Her body, separated from waist down and up, died instantly.
I dreamt that i committed a premeditated murder. Killing people in my dreams are common, but even so it takes ALOT of energy to kill someone, i remembered after the height of the Kok Yew incident, i dreamt that i had beaten him to death with my bare fists, but it took ALOT of pounding before he stopped breathing. This dream however, killing was so, so easy.
Interpretation:
Killing people, like i said is common in my dreams. But different from the others, this person which i killed was a woman, which is a first. And that it was so easy to execute was another novelty.
But the most perplexing thing about this dream was, usually i kill on the basis of hate. The people which i have “killed” in my dreams were all people that i hated in life. This woman, which i didn’t hate, stood between the person that i love.
I guess making a killing for love is easier than killing for hate?
On a whole, thinking at why i have all these dreams, i looked at my well being on the CONSCIOUS level. As some of you already know, lately i have been happy. Nothing much to complain or emo about. Lifes been good, unlike 2006-8 where its a constant up and down, lotsa mood swings and annoying splinters in my head that make me cringe everytime i think of them at a conscious level.
Being so accustomed to emotional violence and turmoil, i think my brain is reacting negatively to the peacefulness that is my life now. It feels that im currently “unhealthy” from the lack of violence in my conscious hours since its accustomed to bloodshed. So, to make up for all this “peace and serenity”, it manifests itself, it asserts its presence which it deems necessary in my subconscious mind – dreams.
I told this to Beets about my dreams, and she said “oh let me piss you off and create some emo in you, so you’d stop getting nightmares!”
I replied “Hah! Id rather get nightmares than have you being angry or emoing at me”.
She said “then, can you find someone else to piss you off? So that youd get some anger in your conscious mind?”
=.=||, shes odd i tell you lol.
She continued “maybe its because i always wish you ‘good night and sweet dreams’, what if i do the opposite?”
Me: “opposite? Like what? Not wishing me at all?”
Beets: “no, like ‘happy nightmares’ and good night’ or something like that”
Me: =.=|||
Dear Beets, appreciate your kind thoughts, but, no thanks lol.
posted by Killl_Roy at 10:00 AM
2 Comments:
OMG Steven?? lol. Maybe you did something wrong to him that even if you saved his life, he wouldn't want to forgive you? ZOMGOD :P
Quite possibly :( But, FOR THE GREATER GOOD! Im willing to Sacrifice!
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