To the Person I Love...

I opened my eyes, and they hurt..i cried in my dreams the night before, and i knew exactly what i cried about.

I dreamt that i slept, within my dream. i woke up to the sound of the opening of car doors, and the unmistakenable voice of my mother.

she said "mom you shouldve went to bed! dont wait for us to ariive!", in my native dialect tongue. my grandmother would then deny that she was waiting for us..despite the fact there was an old rottan chair right outside the shop-house.

then there was a flash where everything faded to a blinding white. when the light recedes i was there, sitting on my grandmother lap. with the ancient humming sound of the air-conditioner and the smell of incents. i was there on her warm lap, shielded from the bare and cold concrete floor. she held my hands up, one by one she folded my fingers in my palm, forming a fist as she counts the good deeds she wishes me to do...until now i can still hear her voice..like sweet music born into my ears.

"must study well~"
"must be filial~"
"must be healthy~"
"must have good morals~"

when shes done with one hand she will continue to the next.. the best part was when she was done with all 10 fingers, she would reach into her sash and pull out a 10cent coin, we could then buy syruped ice balls..

if i knew those moments were fleeting, i wouldve sat on her lap forever.

thank you grandma, i didnt get the chance to tell you this...thank you.


i remembered, the time i burnt my fore finger while playing fire crackers..she came to me, not worried and frantic like everyone else. she calmly cracked an egg into a red plastic cup and gestured me to dip my finger in it.

i can still remember the feeling of drying tears on my cheeks as the pain receded. on my dads old pajero, the lights beaming on the dark alley leading to where we stayed.

i remembered on one of my very early birthdays. so early i havent had the capacity to know how old i was. 5 or 6 im guessing. it was on my birthday and for the first time, and only time i was celebrating it in my grandma's place.

to cut a long story short, i dropped my ninja-turtle-michaelangelo cake in front of everyone. i looked up and the whole dinner table was laughing at me. the insults and embarrasment was overwhelming but there, amongst the crowd of my cousins and aunties and uncles, was my grandmother.

all she did was smile.. but in my fury and shame, i ran towards the table, threw myself at the crowd and hammered my angry fists around. most of them landed on my grandmother. i would go to hell if that would ammend my sins but more importantly guilt...

im sorry grandma.. i didnt get the chance to tell you this... im really sorry.

i dreamt about you last night grandma, such a weak fool that i am, i broke down and cried in front of you..hehe, i cant even say anything as i was choked and and muffled in my own tears..

i wanted to tell you so many things grandma, how healthy i am now, how ive tried to be filial, still working on the studying part tho.. so many things..

give me the strength the next time i see you, so i can tell you those things. so i can tell you how much i appreciated you, so i can tell you how much comfort you brought into my life, so i can tell you i am sorry for the times ive hurt you.

thank you for your wisdom.

(even now im a sucker and i cant type properly because im sobbing like a sad pathetic fool.)

when im strong enough to tell you grandma, please come to my dreams again.