The Women...

...in my life... All of which have impacted me in their own distinctive, respected and respective ways.
After reaching Choke’s blog, I felt obliged to say something to him. Since his message was conveyed in a blog-form, i’ll say it with and in my own blog. This is a bit More of a Mano to mano way.

Before i begin – Choke, This is not meant to agitate you, or to patronize in any way or form. Like i said,i feel obliged because youre going through a phase which i think i have endured and survived, feeling 10x better than i had been before.
*takes a deep breath* so here goes.

Human beings, men to be exact- which is what im focusing on primarily in this post- always posses a need, a need to belong with someone, usually a woman, unless youre gay.

This sense of longing is inherent and instinctive in every human being, unless youre an anti-social, or gay.

Now, choosing (or so we have the illusion of choice) a partner for every person is different, so far as the criteria goes. Some choose based on feelings, some choose based on looks, some choose for the similarities, some choose out of spite, some choose because of the differences the other significant person possess. Either way, there is a criteria that has to be met either way.

However, with that being said, “love” is a very abstract thing, and the word “criteria” is definitely not synonymous with the word “love”.
So the question now, is then – how do we choose who to love?

Rhetorical question

The answer is you don’t. You just fall in love with someone. So you can throw everything ive said before this out the window.

Now, in my personal life, i have “loved” a few people. Ask me why now and i definitely cant give you a definite answer. The only thing i could say about that “love” is, its definite.

Out of all my “lovers”, most of which ive had the pleasure and blessing of them “loving me back”, a.k.a we have been in a relationship together. However, there is one, this one exceptional case/person, whom i truly loved but had not received the same “returns” if we we’re to address all the effort and emotions put into her as an “investment”.

This girl, is called Jeretine.

To be honest, i wouldn’t say “i have never loved someone as much as her” cliché-ly and bluntly, but i can definitely say, “i have never loved anyone in the way i have loved her”.

(gosh this is getting extremely difficult to write because “love” is such an undefined word)

The thing is, i put myself out there, to be the best i can be, to be the better than most (almost all) men could ever be, but yet she did not feel the same way i felt for her. I spent money, emotion, energy and valuable time, all in a bid to “win” her heart.

Failed miserably.

I know we shouldn’t use the word “never, but i have never felt so miserable before in my life. God it sucked soooo much.

Then one night, it hit me. Why is love so painful? Why is loved so coveted when all it brings is pain and suffering?

I thought and pondered for a long time, and at the end of the night, i finally realized.

Love, is not an investment. You don’t throw things at it and expect it to be tossed right back. In a sadistic manner, love is a black hole, a special anomaly that exists just to drain your life away. But in an optimistic and religiously devoted way, Love is a boon, a buff that fortifies your very soul. It empowers you to do things you normally wouldn’t have done (ill explain this bit in a bit), now from here it can go two ways – bad and good.

The bad- you end up looking for another source of pain to cover over the pain you felt whilst loving someone. Cutting yourself, punching the wall, destroying your soul etc etc

The good- you end up having thoughts and deliberations like the ones ive had, and it makes you a stronger, better person.

Like Buddha said, all desires lead to suffering. The more you desire something, the more suffering you will get at the end.

Since my form of “love” when i was “with” Jeretine led me down this painful path, i looked at the other side of Love.

I asked myself, “why do i love her?”

The answer for me was “because it felt good loving her.” -note the full-stop.
Because nothing comes after a full-stop, its a “Full – Stop” get it?

Love is like the epitome of a rhetorical question- it doesnt need to be answered,

but like all human beings long to belong; like all rhetorical questions, people still ask them even though no answer is in order.

So from that morning on, i focused on just one thing. Loving her. And that was the end of it.

And boy did it feel good.