Monday, June 30, 2008

In Melbourne...

... crashing Choke/Ben/Steven's place, and its been awhile since i have met people like his house mates.

Them, living with a few chinese/hongkee people, kinda reminded me of the times when i stayed with a few mainland chinese back in 2006, or was it 2005.

First things first, they are not toilet trained, my dog Sabrina had better sense of where one can poop and where one cant. After they are done with their number twos and threes, the toilet bowl looked like as if it was recovering from a hangover, but not barfing and puking all over itself the night before. seriously, a 6year old kid would have made a less grotesque mess of himself/herself.

the floor around the toilet bowl sparkles with droplets of golden liquid, the white walls of the toilet bowl are lined with brown banners. How could they have missed by so much? i mean, i could piss with my eyes closed and i guarantee 100% of my discharge would land in the bowl. i guess i can put that in my resume because apparently, its a rare ability.

After taking a shower too, its like Katrina herself visited the bathroom floor. the water is so deep you could swim in it.

The jacuzzi tub. man, we all know it rinses of the dirt off your body when the streams and jets of water pound against your flesh. But, being courteous, i mean, its not YOUR tub right? so a sane person wouldve rinsed the walls clean.

But noooo, the tub is lined with dead skin fragments the size of jupiter. its disgusting, down right revolting, to see pieces of shit hanging off the white tub walls.

Next area of the house - The Kitchen

The kitchen is a sacred place, it's sanctity and holiness is highly regarded and sought after by people... like me!

but looking at the stove area, the sink, the "washed" cutlery and white goods, id rather dine in the aftermath of a medieval battlefield where walls of corpses are left to decompose.

and what makes thing worse is, they have the audacity to complain, to other house residents about Choke/Ben/Steven's mess, or their alleged mess they have made.

Its as if, they cut up some onions, some chili, some carrots, then washed and left the skin scraps in the sink, and merrily went their way, then come back for dinner (yes they cook every single meal and in between), and looked at all the onion, chili and carrot scraps and went "ewwwwwwW, look at the mess".

Cups stained with juices and milk and froth were left to collect moss and shrooms, who knows, maybe they could be harvested sometime later to be smoked or eaten. looking at the stuff they bin, im not surprised if they do.

anyway, this is just my brain diarhoeaing (cbf spelling), and if you think its disgusting of me to paint the walls of the internet brown of my shit, wait till you see their toilet AFTER its been used by these guys with crockscrew-shaped cocks and multi-crevice assholes.


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FLUSH
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P/S: just managed to see The Incredible Hulk - the one with Edward Norton and Liv Tyler. To sum up the whole show, its pretty bland, the plot progression is summarized right at the start of the movie during the preface.

The fight scenes reminded everyone (or at least those) who have seen Underworld, the one with the Lycan vs Vampire thing, what im trying to say is, its not original, its boring and not "incredible" at all.


HOWEVER (thankfully), snippets, or rather remnants of other shows which were not as unincredible made it into this film. The best thing was, they didnt leave it till AFTER the credits where we all had to sit and wait for the scrolling wall of text to go from the bottom of the page to the top of the screen.

I just hope that, with so much of this cross-textual and synergy of a few of these great films, the producers dont throw it all away in one mother-of-all lame movie where all the Marvel Heroes, namely Iron man (and now incredible hulk) in the Avenger Initiative, dont come together and fight some alien shit or Jedi's from galaxies far far away.

P/P/S: Hmmm, to my knowledge Batman was in the Justice League, but i also wished Tony Stark would appear at the end of the film to "recruit" Bruce Wayne. on that note, i hope the final Bang which Hollywood have done a good job putting the suspense and anticipation together would be about the differences between heroes aligned with Avenger Initiative/S.H.I.E.L.D and Justice League.

now THAT, would be Incredible to watch.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Part Fiction

So I was driving out to get some chores done.

going along a familiar route, it brought about familiar sights and familiar grounds, then I heard this loud bang, and on the opposite lane, a car was coming at me on fire. The car exploded into flames in a split second, and it veered off its lane – crashing in my direction. I gently hit the brake pedal, to monitor the trajectory of the wreck, and in that split second, my judgment tells me it was best to stay stationary.

Not to my surprise i was correct in making that decision as the fireball rolled past in front of my car, missing me by about 3 meters. After the coast was clear, i went on my way because there were other cars present, and they would go to his aid. The bank was going to close anyway i better not miss the payment. So i drove off

In the bank, just when i had cleared my payment with the teller, someone yelled out at the front door, i glanced behind me just to see two masked men, armed with sawn off shotguns. It was a bank heist.
The guys said no one move or they will shoot, the crowd fell flat on the ground. I felt inclined to do so, but when i looked at the tip of both guns, i can see a slight flare in diameter, and the black colour was not consistent with the rest of the barrel.

“fake” I said to myself, so i just walked past them out the front door. They yelled insults at me and pointed their fake guns at me ordering me to stay put, i looked at them and went ‘lol’ try again with real guns next time.

One of them, feeling exposed, lunged at me. I crouched a little to put pressure into my knees so i could dive out at the last second, and i did. He fell towards the metal railing behind me, hitting his head hard. While Struggling to maintain his balance i aimed his “shotgun” at me, i just turned and walked away. The other guy ran to help his mate out. The security guards, now realizing the guns were fake, were on them in a split second, and quickly overpowered them.

I got on my car, started the engine, then noticed my fire extinguisher on my passenger seat.while holding it in my hands, I thought to myself, ‘this thing keeps rolling around when i take corners, pretty annoying”, and thought of a place to tuck it in.

It was then my car door suddenly swung open, and another guy held a knife to me.
“get out” he said. He was trying to hijack my car.

I turned off the engine, took the keys in one hand, holding the extinguisher in the other, i said “look mate, all i have to do, is squeeze this trigger here, and its going to let out a huge stream of white powder. The cops on the other side of the street are sure to pay notice and they will come. The keys are with me, and you wont be able to go anywhere except run... so, id advise you, to hijack someone else’s car okay?” he looked behind, and saw that there were indeed police on the other side, finding truth in what i just said, he said “you watch out you fuck!”
Slammed my door and ran off with the knife under is jacket.

What a day

I reached home finally, and went to take a shower. After that i did my late night grooming, shaving and etc. But as i looked into the mirror

OH MY GOD! IS THAT A PIMPLE?! OH SHIT!!! WHAT DO I NOW?! HOLY HELL MOTHER OF GOD! SHIT!1 HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO OUT NOW?! "dont panic dont panic"

Taking a few deep breaths, “ok ok calm down” i said to myself, my mind racing for a solution. It was then I spotted ANOTHER pimple under the 1st one.
OH MY GODDDDD! NOOOOOO!

/panic

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Sex in The Morning

I Could soooo imagine this happening.

*Dawn Breaks*

Girlfriend (GF): mmmmhmmmmmmm *cuddles up*

Me: Morning baby.

GF: Morning *smile*huddles even closer*

*kiss*

GF: Got work to do today Hun?

Me: ergh, yeah *stretch*yawn*

GF: want a quickie to get your day started? *seductive smile*runs slender fingers down my chest*

Me: hmmmhmmmmm *subtle smile + slight moan*

Me: oh shit, what time is it?

GF: 9:45?

Me ah crap, can it wait Baby? gotta head to mackers.

GF: what?!

Me: yeah, gotta get some hashbrowns. *jumps out of bed*gets dressed* i'll be right back...

Gf: @:(

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Studying late night, i got my 4am hunger pangs.. since i ran out of Indomee, and its long overdue to run down to the shops to stock them up, i have nothing warm to eat at this hour, except for half frozen/heated pies and cold sandwiches from the day before at the 24 hour petrol stations.

i thought to myself, okay, ill wait till McD opens, get some drive thru McD Breakkie :D best idea all day.

so the time came, 9am - I drove out. On the way theres nothing on my mind other than those crisp tender golden brown hash

i was speeding even, well alittle bit. If im lucky i get puled over by cops who are passionate about hashbrowns too, or i wont get pulled over at all coz the cruisers are busy drive-thruing for hashbrowns as well, which was the case,.

i pull up to the black magic box where you yell out what you want, and you will get it a few meters down the small strip of road.

I yell out the magic words:

"8 hashbrowns please*

the black box buzzes bacl *Sorry please come again?*

realizing it was kinda weird, i rephrased what i just said

"errmm, 2 hot cakes and 4 hashbrowns" so it would loook like im ordering for two.

but reaching down my wallet, i dont have any money left :( all i have is an Eftpos card. feeling comforted i got into 1st- gear. then noticed a sticker at the side of the magic black box

"EFTPOST NOT AVAILABLE SORRY"

=grr you better damn well be sorry!

i said to the black box, not so magical afterall

"errm, is your eftpost working at the moment?"
it buzzed back
"sorry sir, its not working at the moment"
"i dont have any cash on me atm, is it okay if i go punch some cash out and come back?"
"you can walk in upstairs, they take eftpos up there."
"ahh suweeet"

so i park my car, and while i was reverse parking, a cop car passes by right infront of me. i lol'ed a little inside.

I went in, walked towards the counter, where theres this cute cashier looking at me, broadest smile ive seen all week,

"what can i get you today"

"2 hotcakes and 4 hashbrowns please"

another girl, this one even cuter blarred out

"TWO HOTCAKES AND FOUR HASHBROWNS?" with a smile that looks like this ---> :D

i swear to god, this girl was even more passionate about hashbrowns than i am judging from that :D look.

then she immediately handed me a doggy bag, a huge one

"THERE YOU ARE!"

amazed and amused, i said "wow..." and smile back to the enthusiastic cashier girl.

grabbed my pack, and left.

On the way in earlier and on my way out now, it just happened that people were walking in and out, and always 2 steps ahead of me, so they had been bestowed upon, the courtesy to hold the door open as they enter/leave because i was right behind them. and both different persons, did.

feeling like a king, i drove home with a grin.

The smell of hashbrowns filled my car deck, and i grinned alittle harder....

:D

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Best Praises You Can Ever Receive

This is long overdue, but better late than never.


-IF- Simon Cowell said you can sing- You can Sing

-IF- Lewis Hamilton Said You can Drive- You can Drive

-IF- Gordon Ramsay said you can cook- You can Cook

-IF- Quentin Tarantino said you can Act- You can Act

-IF- Michael Jackson said you can Dance - Dont believe him if you're under 12, if youre not - You can Dance

-IF- Aj Rochester said youre fat- you are fat.

-IF- Socrates said you are clever - You are clever

-IF- Muhammed Ali said you can Fight - You can fight

-IF- Pablo Picasso said you can paint - you can paint

-IF- Jessica Alba said youre pretty - youre pretty

-IF- Ian Thorpe said you can Swim - you can Swim

But, the most important of all...

-IF- your parents said youre a good child...


... you better be damn well proud of yourself.


Happy Father's Day, Happy Mother's Day. Love you guys.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Encrypted Decipherment

Rest to the Dawn,
Wake to the Sunset.
Befriend the Faun,
Breathe through the Corset.

Discount the Scale,
Weight placed onto Air.
Kismet to Fail,
Till Gabriel’s Horn Blare.

Obsidian Feather,
Next to Chronos’ Skull.
Knowledge here Hither;
To make Scriptures Null.

Deafening Silence,
Breathe in the –Moron;
Silence Deafening,
Shrill Truth –Forgone.

Inverse Reality,
Make Verse the Chorus,
Preached Eloquence,
Adverse Consequence.

Lingered Long have the Deadened Wight wait;
For the Law cast by Judgement Night’s fate.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Very Short Black

Substance abuse ftloss.

Lately i my fridge ran out of milk, so i cant make cappucinos or lattes; the freezer ran out of vanilla icecream, so no affogatos, so im limited to short and long black coffee. But to make a long Black, that would mean i have to boil a different kettle of water to make a short black - long. which takes too much time and energy, so i've been drinking naught but Short Blacks.

now the thing about short blacks, since theyre potent little buggers, they taste really bitter if you take it without sugar. This morning (ahem morning being the time i woke up), i made a short black, as usual, then i ran into a dilemma - 2 sugars? or just one?

To oust myself, i decided to go with three, "I solved my own trouble created by my own troublesome, indecisive mind! Ha!"

Feeling smug, i just dumped sugar into a tiny-tinily small cup (alittle larger than an old-school camera film bottle), then my machine made that familiar pressurizing sound, and steam started to hiss from the vents.

Bam! short black in my hand. After stirring it alittle, i took my 1st sip of sin of the day, to my great surprise, it was bitter as hell, still it was good Brazilian Coffee.

nearing the end of the cup, id imagine the sugar to be all undesolved, and id have 1 last shot of sugary heaveness... i waited for it, but....

it didnt come... it was bitter thruought the whole small cup. Looking at the sugar deposits at the bottom of the cup, i pout. :(

no care, gotta get that sweetness. before i realize it, i was trying to lick the bottom of the cup, doing a myriad of stupid facial expressions unbeknownst to mankind.

:d :d :d :d :p

...too deep :( no sugary feeling :(

Bah...i'll just go grab a spoon.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Morning Serenade

Without a cloud in the sky, the morning sun reigned supreme. Casting a halo through my bed post, i can imagine it did so for everyone else. Little ferns that crept out of crevices on my garden wall swing and sway to the serenity of the morning light. Seagulls too rejoice under its magnificence.

Gentle winds that power sailboats on the ocean bay drift up to my house. Gentle as they were, I tuck my wool blanket tighter around me; and instantly found home again.
The Sun with its mild lights danced on my cheeks and the orchestra of the surrounding flora, the warmth of being under covers – I was truly contented...

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...ItWasThenThatMyFuckerNeighbourBroughtOutALeafBlowerAndWent


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...huarghthefuark