Before and After

before:

what happens when i have awkward eye contacts with strangers on the streets of Melbourne, if those people were smiling, my fraction-long gaze would silence that smile of theirs.

its pretty scarry...but at the same time i felt powerful, yet guilty...

after:

the changes in people's expression were radical and immediate.. even before the dye was washed off my head, two children accompanying their dad to the barber were exchanging secrets and giggling away while i caught them looking at me using the corner of their eye with the corner of my eye.

the streets were no different. i can quite feel the joy in people when they see my unorthodox hair colour. the hostile elements were pretty much - eliminated..

in hoping or predicting rather, the fiery effects from my hair colour seemed to be wrong. i achived quite the opposite in fact...

Red Riot Roy

yeah apparently, "Roy" means "red"... with its origins tracing back to pre-UK Scottland.

i dont remember when this notion came to my head, but i told Richard, "lets play a game - to see who can come back with the most outrageous hair colour after the holidays".

he said i was looking for attention lol. which was true. after i dyed my hair blone last year i had quite a few conversations with alot of people i wouldnt have if it wasnt for my haircolour... which was nice.. i always enjoy a conversation..

anyway, due to some reasons i cant remember, i redyed my hair black around new year.. a decision i kinda regretted :( whats wrong with being blonde?

so anyway, im here in Melbourne, (yeah Melbourne baby~!) and being a faithful dog i always go back to the same barber... the hairstylist remembers me..

this time, im going Red.

its not that i WANT the attention that im going to get once i get this color on my head... (im gettn it already, ever since i got here ive been getting alot of weird cockstares..) .. i think it helps me express myself....to myself...

i dont care what you think about my haircolour, i just think its a pretty fun feeling to wake up and look into the mirror, seeing a complete stranger, meeting a completely new day..

it kills precedence.. and i like it.

besides, did i mention Roy means Red? in some language i dont know about...maybe norse?

but nothing Beats ol ' Fred with his braided hair...he looks like Predator from Predator lol..




aside from gettin my hair done here in Melbourne, i wanna do somestuff with you guys before i head back to Tazzie..

them are:
-Mich i wanna play squash with you! as promised! hope you have extra racquets*spelling?
-get to a Trance Club with anyone willing to go with me (cmon guys! dance!)
-get smashed while doing item #2

ummnn....

-basically have fun with no regards to whatsoever that has no correlation to having fun :)

make my day

Boycott Pasta

just watched a relatively boring game between Australia and Italy.... until the last 3 minutes..

there is no better word than "controversial" to describe the referee's verdict on the penalty shot, during the last 3 seconds of a would-be tied game. i think hes gonna get crucified as soon as he leaves the stadium.

watching the replay of the "offensive act" done by the Aussie player against the Italians, we all agreed that it was not to a degree where he would be given a penalty shot.

this really makes us question the efficiency of the referee system...technology has come a long way, and we now have the equipment and science to spot those "mistakes" footballers do. like replays for instance...why not have the "referee" see the replay, in all the differnt angles those cameras can provide, then pass whatever judgements they have come to..

technology can give us all a panoptic view of the entire football stadium... why not use it to the best interests of fairness and equality?

oh well...

just hope those pasta shops all around Lygon St wont suffer too much from the boycotts lol

Burnouts, Smoke, Charred Tyres, Twisted Metal...

...are essential in a adrenaline pumped show like Fast and Furious : Tokyo Drift...

yes this is another biased review featured on my blog! and as usual, spoilers are present...viewer discretion is advised..

i didnt have a good feeling for this show at the start i must admit, because 2F2F was total crap... the absence of Vin Diesel made that show a complete waste of time... its like those types of films classified under "the Other" (where a sequel exists because and only because of its predecessor)

2F2F was fake, in terms of the physics...

so is TD (Tokyo Drift), however, the way this show was written and filmed, and despite the poor CGI, it really is very enjoyable to watch!!

cars and cars that make you go "whoa!" (except a few of those Nissan 350Zs that were moddded till they look like Hotwheel and Tamiya Toy Cars)

Drift manuevers that defy reality and bend the laws of physics.

maybe im too cynical at watching these kinda movies, but yeah...it was too fake to be convincing.

the female cast was okay... the gilrs dont tickle me in any particular way... but i've gotta say the male cast was awesome.. they found just the right looking people wth just the right attitude for those kinda roles.

i dont know their names :p

what sucked most during my excursion to the cinema was after the grand race at the end, as usual our protagonist emerges victorious over the "bad guys", i thought that was the climax, so i left my seat 5 minutes before the show actually ended to let go of the 1/2 gallon of coke ive been storing in my bladder.

so off the the mens room i went..

when i came back the show was over and my friends were like "Vin Diesel made an appearance".

right then and there, it was one of the moments where i wished i had a time machine, turn back time and held my piss in for that last few minutes because for the whole friggin show, i was LOOKING FOR VIN DIESEL!!!!!

and i MISSED IT!!! GAHHHH!!!!!!!

*someone drift a car on my body plz*


so just a quick survey of sorts...if you have watched the movie already, which is your favourite featured car?

ive spotted Fair Ladys (350Z), RX8s, Skylines, Mitsubishi Lancer, Lotus Elise (in the garage), Nissan Silvia, Dodge Viper (woot my personality car)....etc...cant remember nor can i give you the specific model name :P not that much of a car freak but enough to thoroughly enjoy the show.

theres no story line in this show, no romance (just a little), no suspence...

its an all-out Petrol Draining, Nitrous Puffing, Smoke Churning, Rubber Burning, Tyre Screeching show. i can almost smell the fumes in the cinema while watching this show :P

no back-fires tho...kinda let down on that...

Not Again...

well, you guessed it...my laptop broke down ...again..

and funnily, i left it OFF last night. something always happens after i leave it off for a night..

1st it was the soundcard, the whole thing crackled and screwed itself... fixed that.. then a few weeks later my modem drivers started going missing . yep AFTER i left the computer OFF for a night..

so last night i couldnt play wow because my shitface housemates was using the phone, talking about moons,stars,sky,diamonds,chinesegovtconspiracies and what not..so i decided to let them HAVE it..

i turned off my computer and went to sleep.

this morning i woke up, got a message from Choke, we gonna go for Onyxia now, so i popped on my game, and guess what? my 3D card screwed itself..

im running on a maximum of 4frames persecond... yes if you were living in that kinda condition in real life you can dodge bullets..many bullets ..

thats HOW slow the redering speed is...

well see how im going to fix this this time..

No mom, im not listening to anything you say regarding computers anymore.

Ooh?

remember this post? the one i got analed by my history lecturer because of an essay i wrote and was rather proud of and would rather recieve a score than a "please see me"?

i just came out from the office regarding that essay i wrote...and apparently, it was a good essay. a great essay infact, so good she couldnt believe i wrote it...
...
...
...
...
...
she wanted to know the "truth".

"did you write this?"
"did you attend any course?"
"did you recieve any outside assistance?"
"are you sure you have referenced every source you used?"

i said yes. because that was the truth.

she then said.
"normally, a student wouldnt go from a fail to distinction just like that"

i then told her of my "condition" where i am very..ummn...inspirational based. i get the feeling, i can do miles of work in the least possible time.. i dont, im screwed...

now theres a huge problem...if my results for my exam dont reflect the level of my writting skills in that 2nd essay i handed in, that would be rather inconsistent no?

oh noes, im vulnerable to charges of plagiarism >.<"

well see how it goes...

Russian Roulette

is it spelled that way? well anyway..

this was what happened yesterday... i was so stuffed studying my Journalism, at 5pm ive decided to take a nap//wake up at 8-9pm or so and continue studying...

however, things dont always happen the way it is planed right? i woke up..the sky was dark, okay..expected..but when i looked at the time, it was 7am...

time to PANIK>?

no, no. i kept my cool..breathing in and out...despite the fact exams are taking place in 2 hours time... i half zilch in my head...

carefully selected a few topics to study...and i studied them..

met up with Nathan, James, and James, Jeff and Ian...stepped into the exam half...

flipped the paper and whaddya know? everything i read about this morning was there...waving at me..


so yeah, the purpose of this post is to thank ALL OF YOU who wished me : LUCK : and those who ive stolen their luck from :! ) esp Mich xD

but the person who aided me most was someone i dont know, or havent met in person...

her name is Valerie.. thanks for all your notes Val :) dont worry ive amde full use of them in the shortest amount of time hehe, hopefully my results will turn out to be acceptable...

and also Richard/Rome for getting me the notes in the 1st place. you guys ROxors.

It Doesnt Work That Way

to hone up on my article writting skills, since im required to write one on the spot tmr, ive decided id try it here!

How do you put an elephant into a kitchen refrigirator in under 3 steps?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
the answer is - YOU CANT!

its the same as my Journalism notes and my head! no matter what i do or how i do it, it's not working! ive read the same slide 7 times now, and when i look at it for the 8th time, it looks as if its the 1st time im reading them...

im pissed sleepy, im pissed tired, im pissed bored, im pissed pissless and yes im PISSED!
what the hell am i doing?!
i want to study a subject where there is a TEXTBOOK. gosh i miss those bulky things...

surviving on vvery badly written lecture notes (there arent any prepared for us supposedly to help us attain "journalistic skills).

my ass, i couldnt even BE a journalist if i fail my friggin degree, whats the use of "journalistic skillzz" then?

note to Roy: you can never write shorthand...

tell me if this makes sense:

"Dsgnd to blnc 2 dmct rts, tort o strct lbty".


i'll just go to bed now...wake up tmr and be DONE with the exam...

"The Other"

you know how some developers in the entertainment industry come up with a sequel or impromtu a triology because and just because of the reason there is a part one? no? to help illustrate my point, Star Wars episode II: Attack of the Clones...(or was it called something else i cant remember), The Ring 2 (jap version), The Eye 2, all the Final Fantasy series etc....

it completely takes away the sincerity of the developers in fulfilling their "main" duty, which is to entertain us... unless it is a really good idea they could develope, or address anything they have missed out in the 1st part do they need a sequel right? its almost like for the sake of earning money..

game dev "this game sold alot of copies.. lets make a sequel and sell it too!"
*game dev makes a sloppy sequel*
"there, market it".

well, my point is, its Fathers Day today... and i feel that if i were to write my feelings down on a normal sentence, i would be writting down alot of sentences :p i chose a completly different alternative instead - poetry... not that ive not done it before, its because i did it for Mothers Day you readers might think im doing it because there existed "the other" (mothers day version).

this, is not a sequel. its not "The Other" poem as well. it stands alone and has nothing to do with whatever works ive done before.

so here you go Dad... a Haiku. hope you remember its Fathers Day today :)


"Illuminating, are the lights from the Lantern.
Rejuvenating, are the waters from the Fountain.
Safe, are we in the shadow of the Mountain."

Death By Lethargy

we've all heard stories about people dying from fatigue... as easily as a dried leaf falls off a tree, as quickly as snapping one's fingers.

im not kidding when i say i have "near death" experiences such as these...the cost of physical and mental fatigue has really taken its toll on me... i stared at the computer screen this morning, even after having my multi-oat cereal, i snapped and spiraled uncontrolably into the eternal darkness

like a leaf dried of its essences, i fell off the tree where i once flourished...

luckily i regained consciousness by myself, if not i wouldnt be blogging right now lol.

scary..indeed...but it was definately fun....


if i do die from this method, wherever my after life is..and if i had the chance to witness myself pass-away in this manner, id really just say "ROFLggPWN" because its funny :P

anyway, not to have a repeat of this morning's incident, ill go to bed...

good night people..see you when the sun sets tomorrow.

Dont Panic

okay..so my law exams are tommorow. lets study..
hmmm my lecture notes are quite messy and short...i'll get it thru webCt...all the notes are up there..


Error 404 - We could not find the page you requested


hmm, must be my connection..i'll just reconnect..
*Roy goes Offline*
*Roy has jsut signed in*
okay, lets try again


Error 404 - We could not find the page you requested

hmm weird....must be my firewall?

*disables Firewall*

Error 404 - We could not find the page you requested

DNS problem probably?

*Roy tweaks DNS settings*

Error 404 - We could not find the page you requested

no? i'll reset the router.

*Roy resets the router*

Error 404 - We could not find the page you requested

*Roy resets the router again*

Error 404 - We could not find the page you requested

*and again...*

Error 404 - We could not find the page you requested

Error 404 - We could not find the page you requested

Error 404 - We could not find the page you requested

Error 404 - We could not find the page you requested

Error 404 - We could not find the page you requested

.....okay....you can panic now....

Race Quiz

Race as in...species...

dont mean to spam but heres a little something for my wow friends. if you dont play the game, you're still welcome to try it :) and play the game too of course.

Take The Quiz Here


im a Night Elf:
"Youre the type of individual who feels very strongly about their beliefs. youre confident and unyielding and sometimes have a difficult time relating to those who do not see things in the same light"

Conversations Of The Universe

A: why is there an FHM magazine under your mouse pad?
B: i needed some cleave*coUGH*LEVERAGE

----------------------------------------------------------

Shiro: haih! This is the worse double-sided tape in the world.
Ben: ?
Choke: ?
Roy: ?
Shiro: Cannot peel the otherside...

----------------------------------------------------------

(I never really gave birthdays too much of a hoohah, my reasons is because -

Roy: 'every 3 seconds a baby is born, thats....alot in a day..what makes yours any more special?'

always thought that was a strong defense..until yesterday when i mentioned it to Tine, she went

Tine: 'people have different birthtimes lorh'
.
.
.

=.="
*Roy lies defeated*




Speaking of birthdays, HAPPY BIRTHDAY IRIS! according to Tine, your birthday is now special..and i have to agree? :o)

Im A Dodge Viper!

You're all about raw power. You're tough, you're loud, and you don't take crap from anyone. Leave finesse to the other cars, the ones eating your dust.

10L baby~!

take the which sports car are you? quiz

A Good Day To Die...

so i jsut came out from my history exam...

Never have in my life, have i wrote soooo much bullshit, in so little time...

i was dished King Charles and his execution, wrote crap load of crap on ...crap...i cant remember what my 2nd question was...oh right, the Great Cat Massacre...no im not kidding.. that is the topic...

but my 3rd question takes the cake "Frederick the Absolutist Enlightenment-er"....

what the shit is an Enlightenmenter?

the only reason i chose to write the 1st 2 topics was because i based my essays on them, and they both got a "please fucking see me" as a score.. the 3rd one, dont think i did sufficient reading even tho i ate the passages 3 times over...

i raced myself to get out of the exam hall, the i was down to 18 minutes when i wrote the last word in my past sentence in my last paragraph.. 2 minutes left...i HAVE to get out...(because the last 15 minutes you have to stay in thruout), i had to get out because im done with my essay, and i dont want to read it over...i'll kick myself stupid...because i know what i wrote was a bunch of historical crap...

no i cant live with that..

im so gonna fail this exam...but hey at least i had fun failing this one.

A Personal Message

do you use post-its? those yellow pieces of paper with abit of adhesive stuff at one end? they are really useful when you need to remind someone like your siblings that their friends called, or shop for this item later in the mall, or tell your housemates not to eat your bread and drink your milk in the fridge etc...most importantly, to tell yourself what a fool you yourself have become.

this is a personal message to myself..since i dont own a physical diary, why reinvent the wheel? when i can do the same here at this blog..

this is my alter-ego speaking...

"im really dissapointed in you. how can you let this happen to you? you were keen and sharp at all times, knowing whats to come and youre usually very good at evading these heartwrenching situations.. what happened to all that shit?

dont let worldly objects obstruct your clear and in-depth perspective of life, of YOUR own life. focus dude! focus! youre losing it man.

get the facts right, you of all people, law student my ass. dont rush off into doing things blindly, or you'll end up being really blind.

get out of the circle you tell people? now i tell you this 'get out of the circle!' dont go around preaching values when you have none yourself.

dont listen to what bullshit etiquette they have been preaching. you have your own etiquette so stick to it..

so youre gonna go to the bathroom and slash yourself again? its no bloody use. the message doesnt get across that way. if theres a part of your body you can cut, its your retarded brain.

youre above these people, your thinking is on an entirely different level. never have i once saw you stoop so low into society and mingle with all that shit. keep your nose up. you are a proud race, so stay proud. dont let anything or anyONE tell you otherwise. got that you fuckbag?"

No, you cant have the best out of two worlds. let alone three.
So...Count me out...

A Disturbance In The Force

Okay, im weirding myself out...
recently i had these really weird dreams..by weird, i mean reALLLY weird...

im a lucid dreamer and i usually direct my dreams, but since my seperation with Jadyn, i have been losing them..

a few nights i go, i dreamt i was a "mid-wife"... or "mid-husband" if theres such a thing as that..i helped deliver a baby into the world...the mother wasnt caucasian, or oriental...she looked like a latino..

so that completely weirded me out ayE?
wait till you hear this..

last night i dreamt i was in a maternity ward and it was full of babies. every baby had a guardian, except for one. she had dark skin and curly hair..about the age of 2 id say.. one of the "guardians" leaned too back and nearly tripped on this baby girl, her ..ummn..cradle nearly fell off its feet.

so i walked over to readjust the cradle, and there she was. smiling at me. i stooped down and put one hand in to "distract" her..wriggled my fingers in her face a little but i didn touch her. (im afraid of the fragility of babies..like priceless antiques, what if i break them?! i cant live with that)

i then said something to a "guardian" who was behind me, and she said something back..i cant remember what.. but the baby girl mimicked what ever i say. very intelligent girl.

that was the sweet portion of my dream, what followed next were nightmares...

[okay, viewer discretion... offensive material ahead..]

in that same maternity ward, i saw two MALE African Americans. lying on the same bed.. one of them lets call him "A" said to "B"

A-"hows the baby?" and lifted B's SKIRT. yes he was wearing a skirt. As if to check if theres a bulge in his stomach..

B- (very surprised to see that there isnt a bulge = no baby, he proceeded to cry, like hes just suffered a "miscarriage".

A- "what no baby?" he then dropped his trousers... and.... (no easy way of saying this, but this is what happened in my dream) made manly love to the other man.

B was crying in pain, but it was like the pain he had to endure to get his "baby". he did not resist A. obviously he didnt like it...but it looked as if he was going thru it because he really wanted a child..

how can a man give birth to a child?!

that was seriously disturbing... all these dreams, i was almost there as a compeltely independant 3rd party..just an observer and have no part in the events going on at all.. which is highly unusual because usually im the Jean Claude VannDam in a really crappy C Grade movie beating the living shit outta bad guys..and never lose? thus Lucid Dreaming..

there are even more mentally disturbing, (not like the sexual ones mentioned above) dreams...but id rather not say it here...abit sensitive.

other dreams included, watching worldcup live, by the bench. Malaysia V Johor Bharu? wtf? isnt Johor Bharu a State?! the score was 6 - 8 btw...



what really baffled me is the appearance of "black" and "brown" people and babies again and again in my dreams....

Roy needs a dream interpretor..i think im going nuts.

Imagine...

this is what happened to me today..
i hopped into a motorboat, put the engine power to full, and sped off into the open ocean..

after driving into the blue infinity for an hour, i asked myself "where the hell am i going?"

so i set my course back to where i came from, my engine power died..

so i was there....stranded....powerless...hopeless....lost >.>

im referring to my exams btw...
wrote for an hour about manners, and i didnt know what the hell i was writting about.. when i attempted other questions, it was worse because i have nothing to write about at all!

but Bryce was the best, he came out and asked me
B-"how'd it go Roi?!"
R-"terrible..."
B-"i wrote absolute crap in there, which questions did you do?"
R-"manners, and a few others"
B-"yeah i did manners too, i wrote 'manners is so important in medieval societies because without it weak people would suffer and die'".


ROFLMAO! gosh, Bryce you redefined the word "crap" lol
anyway, i hope stuff really turn out for the better for the both of us :) peace bro

A litle prayer for my friends:
-Well done Tiney, you displayed awesome grace in the exam hall
-Hope you get well soon Line
-Richard can start singing "O when the 'D's come marching in! O when the HDs marching in..."
-Peter you'll do just fine if not great!
-Simon the great! thanks for driving my ass down to subway and be my grub/library pal
-Carman stop wowing, go study :p
-BenzoHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
-Moe gduckrice.
-J lol !
-Shiro-o-o-o-o-o-o-o (thats how you sound like in Vent xD)

to everyone stuck in the Uni exam vicious cycle - ALL THE BEST..and i mean it.

What The...

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK




YES, feel my fuckstration. you dont like that fucking word you better stop reading this post.

im fucking pissed enough already and fucking blogspot wont load the screen fast enough ima fucking strangle the next person i see.

what could be worse than a fucking "F" stamped in red when you recieve your assignments back is a fucking "please see me" written in italics the Italians themselves cant fucking recognize.

why not you just fucking fail me? end my fucking misery?! i spent godddamn many hours on that fucking piece of shit you throw at us everyonce so often, at least you can give me a 1 sentence comment at the fucking end, saying "youre fucking off topic" or "you fucked up the format" or "its the fucking reference" .. or a simple "you fucking suck!" will do..

dont give me back a "please see me" for fucks sake without even trying to hint me where the bloody fuck did i do wrong along those two fucking thousand words.

fuck...

im so fucking dropping History next semester...the things a fucking waste of time.

no i wont apologize for my fucking profanity.

Stupid Cupids

If cupids existed and subject to worldly laws, then they would be…



Prosecuted for possessing lethal weapons and ammunition.

Charged for “indecent exposure”.

Subject to mandatory guardianship because they are minors.

Flying without clearance.

Flying without a license.

An Obstruction to air traffic ways.

Sentenced a specific performance due to stalking someone.

Charged for attempted murder, or manslaughter.

Admitted to a psychological ward for paraphilic disorders. Mainly Voyeurism.

A health hazard because they are distantly related to birds, thus a potential carrier of bird influenza.

A flying Hazard, people would need to wear helmets in case they fly into someone.

A Property Hazard, if they fly into something.

A target for recreational hunting.

A target for pest control.

Constantly trespassing.



And finally…

They would be fucking irritating…


You know something is not right with your life when you pick up your old Marilyn Manson CD, play it, and find all his lyrics made absolute sense and authority.

I Challenge The Stars

2nd post of the day.. since i missed out 6/6/06

yes like the title of this post boldly claims, i challenge the stars! constelations to be precise...

on the job of Giving a lovely girl a testimonial in friendster, i came across my horoscope..

this is what it said....

Scorpio
"Today will be more about doing than thinking about doing. End procrastination"

"It's a perfectly good idea to plan things out before you move forward. After all, there's no sense in doing something before you fully understand what you're doing. But everything is where it needs to be, and the blueprints are finalized, so why are you stalling? Take a look at why you might not want to move ahead now, and be honest about what is holding you back. Get ready to stare all your fears right in the face. Enjoy a good laugh when they crumble and disappear."


har har! guess what? im still procrastinating!

however, reading Capricorn for reasons more than one, i came across this..


"Letting go is easier today. Try to keep facing forward and revel in your maturity."

"Saying goodbye to someone you love (or letting go of something that was once precious in your life) is just a part of living. If you need to say goodbye, treat it like a celebration! After all, you are moving into a different phase of your life -- new experiences will soon feed your intellectual curiosity and give you the level of satisfaction you've been seeking. As your wisdom and maturity grow, so will your appreciation for the people in your past."

now to me, that sounds more like it! based on my dream last night, which i wrote about this very morning..

the very 1st line hit the spot dead on.

am i Capricorn then? lol

To the Person I Love...

I opened my eyes, and they hurt..i cried in my dreams the night before, and i knew exactly what i cried about.

I dreamt that i slept, within my dream. i woke up to the sound of the opening of car doors, and the unmistakenable voice of my mother.

she said "mom you shouldve went to bed! dont wait for us to ariive!", in my native dialect tongue. my grandmother would then deny that she was waiting for us..despite the fact there was an old rottan chair right outside the shop-house.

then there was a flash where everything faded to a blinding white. when the light recedes i was there, sitting on my grandmother lap. with the ancient humming sound of the air-conditioner and the smell of incents. i was there on her warm lap, shielded from the bare and cold concrete floor. she held my hands up, one by one she folded my fingers in my palm, forming a fist as she counts the good deeds she wishes me to do...until now i can still hear her voice..like sweet music born into my ears.

"must study well~"
"must be filial~"
"must be healthy~"
"must have good morals~"

when shes done with one hand she will continue to the next.. the best part was when she was done with all 10 fingers, she would reach into her sash and pull out a 10cent coin, we could then buy syruped ice balls..

if i knew those moments were fleeting, i wouldve sat on her lap forever.

thank you grandma, i didnt get the chance to tell you this...thank you.


i remembered, the time i burnt my fore finger while playing fire crackers..she came to me, not worried and frantic like everyone else. she calmly cracked an egg into a red plastic cup and gestured me to dip my finger in it.

i can still remember the feeling of drying tears on my cheeks as the pain receded. on my dads old pajero, the lights beaming on the dark alley leading to where we stayed.

i remembered on one of my very early birthdays. so early i havent had the capacity to know how old i was. 5 or 6 im guessing. it was on my birthday and for the first time, and only time i was celebrating it in my grandma's place.

to cut a long story short, i dropped my ninja-turtle-michaelangelo cake in front of everyone. i looked up and the whole dinner table was laughing at me. the insults and embarrasment was overwhelming but there, amongst the crowd of my cousins and aunties and uncles, was my grandmother.

all she did was smile.. but in my fury and shame, i ran towards the table, threw myself at the crowd and hammered my angry fists around. most of them landed on my grandmother. i would go to hell if that would ammend my sins but more importantly guilt...

im sorry grandma.. i didnt get the chance to tell you this... im really sorry.

i dreamt about you last night grandma, such a weak fool that i am, i broke down and cried in front of you..hehe, i cant even say anything as i was choked and and muffled in my own tears..

i wanted to tell you so many things grandma, how healthy i am now, how ive tried to be filial, still working on the studying part tho.. so many things..

give me the strength the next time i see you, so i can tell you those things. so i can tell you how much i appreciated you, so i can tell you how much comfort you brought into my life, so i can tell you i am sorry for the times ive hurt you.

thank you for your wisdom.

(even now im a sucker and i cant type properly because im sobbing like a sad pathetic fool.)

when im strong enough to tell you grandma, please come to my dreams again.

Dont Worry...Be___?

it would be good to have some lubricant to help untangle your optical nerves later... after youve read this...IF you finnish it..that is..

anyway..

i ran around the web, reading random blogs of friend's friend's friends..and in each i found very similiar blog topics. its that time of year when people fuss about exams and tests and assignments, stuff to do with the world of academia etc..

yes yes i know they are worried, but then i look at myself(yes me!)..im a student too! and what am i doing? -reading blogs and all non-exam related stuff from the infinite depths of the internet...

im not worried about my exams...not one bit...Jo said "its good then, that shows youre confident", but i havent studied to be honest with myself. at this point, visualizing myself failing every subject is very possible..and very "achievable".

still i stand here, staying in my un-worried state.

am i supposed to be worried because i am not worried about my worrying exams that i should be worried about? or am i beyond worry? its higly unlikely because i know i havent prepared enough to sit through my papers without a worry.

i looked around me in the library today, and i saw people (duh =.=), burying their heads deep into their text books.. i can smell their "worry" from 5 cubicles away.. and i worry for them, i worry for their exams, my friends especially. all digging hard at it. and from the bottom of my heart id really wish them all the best (i mean it when i say it).

then i look at myself once more...i go "wtf". im not studying! and im not worried because of that fact either!

i sat on my suitcase on a saturday afternoon, looked at the time..3:30...then i stared at my hand...and when i next looked up, it was 4:30.

i sat there, breathing without realizing i did nothing but breathed for an hour ...

"dont worry until worry worries you".

what if worry never worried me and never will worry me?

need the lube now? ;)

Its Always A Good Idea...

..to look at what youre eating...even when youre very sure what is it that youre putting in your mouth...

take sealed packages for example..i pulled out a bar of nutrigrain from the box...its air tight aluminium wrap was well...air tight..

i popped it, and happily munched away at the contents while reading notes off the computer...it was then i saw an ant crawl across the screen..then another...

then at the corner of my eye there was one on my forearm...

on my jeans..

it was right then, i felt a sting on my tongue...and a taste that was not innate to the cereal bar...i looked at the bar i was holding, and yes..you guessed it..

it was crawling with ants..

judging from their distribution, id say i ate a good 20-30 ants..

the pacakaging was slightly opened in some way, and there was moist..the honey coated cereal was sending off sweet fumes that attracted a fuuk tonne of ants..

and i happily ate them up

:)

PowerHouses

cars run on petrol, toys run on battery...people run on food?
talk about motivation, what motivates you?

To some its money, good pay etc.. the good returns for what they invest in. basically, doing stuff because the prospect is there.

Some do stuff because they are afraid. they have that fear of "not being able to do stuff". fear of prosecution for the failure. that motivates them to do something in a polished manner.

Some do stuff because they are told to. mindless zombies conscripted by socially constructed "rules", "norms" Obligations and "duties". they run on..ummn.. a treadmill...not going anywhere but spending the energy.

take studying for example..
the 3 types of "fuel" i mentioned above applies to that context.
some people study because they get good grades, graduate, get a good job with a good pay..okay sounds reasonable.

some people are afraid they cant deal with themselves if they do poorly in an exam. sounds reasonable to me as well. i mean failure is no sweet surrender.

zombies? ive met quite a few..they study just because they are told to. from parents etc.. not to critisize them, because it is "good for you" ultimately if you study hard. but you gotta know where youre going.

for me, i dont run on any of the 3 i just mentioned..

so what motivates me? to do stuff...play, feel entertained, work let alone study.


BOREDOM.

i hate the idle mind. it feels like the walls from the inside of my head will collapse if i stay still. i constantly need psychological stimulation.

add this desease with the conscious mind of what youve gotta do (study) youve got yourself a nonstop studying machine =/

but i hate doing what i gotta do..thats why i always label myself "Free-Lance"...

but oh well, i gotta stop it..off to studying i go..



so what motivates you?

X-Men: Last Stand

Stay Thru the credits...

Yes the title of this post provides ample warning.. there are gonna be spoilers in this post, heck ima turn the movie inside out and upside down, so if you havent watched it..please move along

now let us begin...

i love movies that have a title that has no very obvious correlations with the movie itself, like..."Secret Window", or "SAW", "The Butterfly Effect", "V For Vendetta".. when the title has little to reference from the contents of the movie..

but i ABSOLUTELY hate it when the title opposes the contents. prime example : FINAL FANTASY... its never final.. X3- Last Stand is no exception.

the show has left SO many un-dreaded ends they can sneak in X4 or even 5. which gets old after 3 episodes. 3, is the limit for alot of things...the fun factor of anything going beyond 3 is questionable.

usually the 3rd installment to a movie is the best as well. take LotR (if you dont know what this stands for you can do the world a favour by swallowing gasoline and a match), Matrix : Revolution, Even MI:3...sadly X3 didnt meet the glory of its predecessors.

the "cure" demonstrated its immediate effectiveness on Mystique and so many other mutants, but right at the end, Magneto pushes a chess piece with his "powers"..the peice looked like plastic to me tho,

so could it be? Magneto has gained a new power? manipulate plastic? hey its fairly possible, considering the fact they messed around with the X-Men lore so much already..


they talk about open Warfare... they say "if its war they want, its war they'll get"... i say "what war?"

the scale of the fights was so badly choreographed and written it was a YaWn*... it was "kiddy-fied".. there wasnt a spec of blood to be seen in the entire movie, except for Wolverine gettn haxxed abit here there...no more than an ounce. the battles were small scaled skirmishes with nothing spectacular spectacular..

not to say that i condone violence, its just so.... *loses steam* you get what i mean?

even the highly anticipated Iceman Vs Pyro scene... omg i get friggin steamed when i talk about this...

can you believe it!? all they friggin did was stand at 1 spot and haduken-ed each other. the "fight" lasted about 12 seconds and ended with a head butt.

i was very exicited when they showed us the danger-room...FINAlly, but even that was too brief...

they also showed us the shoulder lights, and the severed head of a sentinel.. (wtf) when they said "Last Stand" i thought they were going to go all out..

they didnt show us the "true" form of Jean Grey's Pheonix as well.the one they dared show in X2.

how the hell did Scott die? but no remorse, he was a wank anyway.

But waht really killed this movie for me, was the spoilers =/ goddamn you idiots posting scenes from the movie as an msn personal message... it was an X2 repeat for me where some wank columnist wrote scenes from the movie without warning the reader of its spoilers.

what could the title for X4 be? (id bet my left scrotum there will be one)
X4
- The Final Last Stand? (oh please god no)
- The Return of Magneto?

oh i know!

- Magneto Strikes Back!

Or how about plain ol "X-men Four"? with the Fantastic Four making surprise appearances!

=.="





but the movie wasnt a total loss...there was some awesome display of mutant powers. those that make you say "wow!" and "cool!" "awesome!"

they also snuck in some quality jokes..healthy blend of slapstick and the non-slapstick ones :p

there are also quite a few memorable quotes for the X-men series...from X2, my favourite was ..

"You are a god among insects, dont let anyone tell you otherwise"

from X3

"Do you want to control it? or let IT control you"
"The pawns go first" (ive noticed that the Xmen triology constantly references chess)
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"

with that said...
"There is no greater Spoil to a movie than Spoilers themselves"

Coke Can Collection

another completely random barrage of thoughts..

have you ever had that sreak of bad luck with stuff? im going thru one right now and its revolved around our super-dependant nature on technology(well at least i am)..

last week my laptop fried itself..and just refused to work. this week, my new laptop well...fried itself again. First it was the soundcard.. it started playing the choppin in impromptu and refused to play anything else!

the next thing to go was my modem drivers...for the 56k i mean, i never used broadband anyway because everytime i use it, i feel like hurting myself, or someoneelse.. *smacks person next to me*

so i rely on my trusty 56k...but even that cant save me now */wrists*

im pissed, angry and sad, so i walked to the uni eager to find solace.but on the way there, my MP3 player starts to mess up too! the "fwd" button sank into the body and doesnt wanna come out...gg now i cant skip songs no more...

so i pull out my phone and call the few friends i have..and guess what?

got it yet?

yeah it disconnects wayy tooo offteen...sometimes i have to redial 7-9 times before i can get a call in...after 30 seconds into a call, i get disconnected..

Carman knows this fact best, i can never have an uninterupted conversation with him, nor anyone.

so thats all for technological mishaps, i hope theres no more..

________________________________

second point for today, i just realized, the reason for my sado-masochistic behaviour...we'll not the reason but rather the futileness of the whole matter..

so what if you slash your chest with a rusted blade? what if you slit your arm and watch your blood draw lines on the bathroom sink?

so what if you punch the walls till your knuckles bleed? so what if you sulk and shit yourself over and over? no one cares.

when someone doesnt love you back the way you do to them, dont turn inwards...

turn outwards, show them EVEN more of what you are capable of (not the hurting part) how can you protect the people you love when you are so idodically and pathetically weak yourself? go figure dumbass.

and not so suprisingly, ive learnt this fact, not from friends nor family, but from my enemies...

"keep your friends close, and your enemies - closer"

gosh i love that saying.

________________________________



Final point for today..

Feeling restless? cant fall asleep because your daymares haunt you by night? heres an effective method i found out last night while i tossed and turned in my sleeping bag (yes its possible, you wake up to a whole tangled mess of cloth and linen)

you have to imagine, your soul is being lifted from your body.

im serious.

for about 2 minutes i attempted that fathom, i felt damn lethargic.. and throbbing yet soothing pains on my entire upper body.

its like, i thought of myself, looking at myself from a 3rd persons perspective, and my soul is leaving my body..

i felt tired, really tired..and fell asleep almost instantly...

it works :D becareful tho, if youve got a powerful mind, (not the feeble type like mine) your soul MIGHT just actually leave..

and never come back..

I Shit You Not

The sky was dark.

After parting ways with Peter, Line and Tine, I was walking home from the Library. I took the route that was shortest, along Regent Street.

After the 1st hill, I noticed a shadow that branches out not from under my feet, so my 1st guess was there was someone walking behind me that I wasn’t aware of before, since I always turn on my mp3 player quite loudly.

And I often sing along with the songs playing from it. So it would be quite embarrassing if I did that with someone so close behind me.

Just to make sure, I glanced back towards my right and didn’t see anyone, so I glanced back from the left.

What I saw… completely stumped me.

Instinctively I stopped walking. Because I was looking a myself, an exact copy of me.

He (me) looked up and was just as surprised to see me as I am to see him. He stopped dead at his tracks too.

He was wearing the exact configuration that I was wearing, pink polo, adidas jacket, acid jeans…

There was a brief static between the two of us, I stared straight into his eyes and questioned his existence in my mind. As if he could read them, he relaxed from the bewilderment…

…and smiled at me.

Just about then a car climbing up the hill started its descent, its head lights scanned from top to bottom. As the beams cast itself upon my doppelganger, where the yellow lights touched the image… it…desintegrated.. into the thin frozen air.

Just as the car’s nose hit the lowest point where the lights could shine no further down, my image disappeared completely.

And I was left alone once again in the dark.

I really don’t know what this encounter could possibly mean…

Am I supposed to be afraid? Because I am not…not yet at least.

Opposing Forces

By my immortality, the power vested upon me
With my Will my Verdict and my Decree
I place a judgement, a sentence upon thee
Are shackles and chains so free you'll never be

Like Princesses exiled to the Towers
Like the Sun robbed his shine from the bloom of flowers
Like God without his Godly Powers
Im my own Subordinate-thats my true prowess